photo by Denise Andrade
I experienced my first miscarriage over Thanksgiving of 2005. A couple months earlier over wine-soaked heart talk in a Paris cafe and again while swooning over the green hills of Germany is when my husband and I officially decided to try and see if we could make ourselves parents and one day return to exploring Europe with our little one in tow. The experience of both traveling through five countries in Europe followed shortly by pregnancy loss forever changed us.
December of that same year I wrote my first post for my blog. I didn’t write about my first miscarriage, but instead I wrote about being laid off from a corporate job I had at the time. During that period in my life, I was feeling lost and loss. Loss over a pregnancy and my means of income and lost as a creative individual. What happened to the girl who knew she wanted to be an artist growing up? How was it that she now found herself being laid off from a dead-end job from corporate hell that stirred no passion and brought forth no soul?
Writing became the release I needed to guide me back and help me to rediscover who I truly am. The words poured out of me back then, both on my blog and in my private journals. It was as if the dormant creative side of myself was feeling me slip away and was reaching out to say, “I’m still here; I’m very much with you. You are not lost; you are very much alive. Keep writing.”
On the one-year anniversary of starting my blog I discovered I had lost my second pregnancy at 13 weeks. My second miscarriage shook me to my core. Through the messiness of pain, healing and struggle to make it through the day at times, I was also able to tap into other parts of my creativity. I began to write from a very honest place inside of me. It wasn’t brilliant writing, but it was my heart spilling forth. I realized that embracing my vulnerability was a pathway to healing. My healing seemed to serve as a doorway to what was also lying dormant inside of me and through the darkness, I soon started to embrace possibility.
In July of 2007, one month after having launched my first creative business, I found out I was once again pregnant. This time I gave birth to a beautiful girl who we named, Isabella Wish. For me, having a child has shown me who I am at my core. Children bring it all out of you: the messy and the real, the beauty and joy. My daughter has taught me to see that when we honor the creative parts of ourselves, we begin to change the world.
I wouldn’t say that being creative is so much a process; I think it’s more about finding whatever it is which brings your creativity out into the open. We are all creative beings --I believe this. Not everyone needs to experience loss to discover, or rediscover, their own creativity, that is just my story; we each have our own story to tell.
Now that I am a mother my time is no longer my own and creative expression takes on an entirely different meaning. As any mother can attest to, creative moments are usually stolen ones. I steal tiny moments throughout the day for myself to write, design, jot down an idea or a sketch. Playtime is when I will bring my camera and let myself be inspired by the colors of nature or my daughter’s laughter when she feels the wind on her face in the park. Or, as in the case of writing these words, sitting alone in my car in the Walt Disney Concert Hall parking garage in downtown Los Angeles.
Creativity, like anything in life, ebbs and flows; on a good day, ideas will burst out of me and I want to pursue them all -- and wonder how that is even possible. Then, of course, there are the days where the well is dry and all I can do is curl up on the couch and watch old episodes of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” while Isabella naps. I give myself permission to embrace these couch days, as well as my productive days, as I believe they are necessary at times to fill the well as it were .
The fog that comes with being a new mom has left me feeling that my creativity is a bit disjointed for now, but I have fully embraced and accepted that as my daughter becomes more independent, I won’t have to steal as many moments and I will find larger pockets of time to further explore my own creativity. However, in this most wondrous time of her life, and mine, I am a mother first, and an artist second. I love that I can now call myself by both of these names.
For now, I welcome the baby steps and the stolen moments as they appear. These tiny moments are where I continue to find my voice and rediscover the artist within me.
Stacy de la Rosa likes to play with words and pictures. She makes jewelry designed to empower and encourage others at her shop Bella Wish. She is taking baby steps on launching her next creative endeavor, Cupcake. Also, stay tuned for her upcoming column here in the wishstudio. You may also find her at stacydelarosa.com








is there a memory or a moment that you realized your dream had become a reality as well as a huge success?
what is in your future creatively? any projects you are working on?
Squam 2009









